In Honor of Carling

In Uncategorized on November 6, 2010 at 8:18 am

Carling is a master of many things, one of these being the art of surveys. While I cannot hope to compare to her true genius I offer this one up to the gods of the internet in her honor.

When’s the last time you ran?
     Roughly a month and a half ago. When I got to Beloit with work study included in my scholarship I assumed I would have no problem getting a job on campus. All of the freshmen were assigned work, but as a transfer they believed I might have “additional skills” and left me on my own to fight for a position. The fact that few jobs available to students actually require anything more than general motor skills did not seem to cross their mind, and I ended up with the last open spot as a dishwasher two days a week in the cafeteria. Late to my first day in a job whose only redeeming quality is moisturized hands, I ran for three minutes from my dorm to the stairs of the building. Sweating profusely and panting because chain smoking apparently is not favorable to aerobic activity, I was met with a supervisor who seemed largely uninterested with my apparent enthusiasm to start scrubbing caked on red sauce from a pan for four hours. Three shifts later I quit for a cozy office job. How’s that for the Protestant work ethic?

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
     One pair–they remind me of a time when “How much glitter eye shadow do I need for that boy to pass me a note in class that says
                       ‘Will U B  my girlfriend? 
                                      yes               no’
was my biggest priority.

What are you dreading right now?
      Getting the grade on my crap English essay back. But, tomorrow I’ll have plenty of suburban therapy at the mall to take my mind off everything.

Do you celebrate 420?
     What’s in a number? That we call a splif at any other time would smell as sweet.

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
     I regard procrastination as my muse– to start a major paper, or any assignment for that matter, before midnight would be to deny myself creative inspiration. Thus, sleeping in four hour increments at various points throughout the week is my masochistic sleep pattern of  choice.

The last person who grabbed your ass?
       What is “Marcus Gianitti” for $400 Alex? It is only to be expected when Audrey Hepburn dances with Harry Potter on Halloween weekend then jumps up and straddles him while a young Michael Jackson sings “A BC,” that this would happen. For the Daily Double, “The cause of Lily’s dress to rip up the back seam exposing her booty shorts?”–What is the previously described action?”

Have you ever been on your school’s track team?
    See question 1.

Do you own a pair of Converse?
       4 actually: Grey—the first thing I ever bought in New York because I was worried I’d look like a loser wearing T-shirts with puns on them in public school. Cream—had to buy freshman year because the holes in the soles of the grey pair makes them terrible to wear in the rain. White high-tops with cartoon drawings—why not? Pink—from Dave.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
      Not since I learned that “altercations with vending machines” account for 2 deaths per year.

Do you watch Trading Spaces?
     All I’m saying is that I knew Ty Pennington long before Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

How do you eat Oreos?
     All with Double Stuf, listed in no particular order:
                1. Twisted open, stuf-less side discarded, other half eaten
                2. Parent Trap style, with peanut butter
                3. Topped with Nutella
                4. Halloween Oreos—they’re just above average in general.

Could you live without a computer?
         I would like to say “yes” because technology only seems to make my life more difficult. However, when I’m on facebook on my computer and I get a notification, my Blackberry usually updates me first…hm.

Who or what sleeps with you?
          Other things come and go, but I believe you’ve all met Mary?

What do you do when you’re sad?
         Go to sleep. My Inception-worthy dreams are enough to cheer me up.

Last time you saw your best friend?
           It varies, from some a few hours ago to some a few days, months or years. In an ideal world I could get everyone bundled up to live on an urban collective. Now, there don’t have to be goats, but it’s a possibility.

Is anyone on your bad side now?
          Chemistry. I would say it’s just Chem 117, but I’ve come to loath it so passionately that I’m beginning to resent the whole concept.

What’s the first thing you do when you get online?
         Look at all the new ways Yahoo News has concocted for me to fulfill my purpose as a woman by finding a man and coercing him marry me.
See: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12153

What are you doing tomorrow?
         Going to the mall in the next town over. While this is not exciting in any other situation, I’m living in a town where the Wal-Mart 3 miles away and the Smoke Shop across the boarder in Illinois are basically my only options for destinations off campus.

Do you return your cart?
       I really do not understand people who don’t. The effort it takes to move the cart out of the way of your car so you don’t hit it getting out of the space is undoubtedly equivalent to that which it takes just to put it in the corral in the first place. I mean, really.

What noise do you hear?
          “My Paper Heart” by The All-American Rejects, my rattling heater and the occasional drunk Beloiter outside.

What’s the last thing you purchased?
           A double dirty, soy chai from the school coffee joint. Some vanilla soymilk and a lesson in foam making would have drastically improved the final product.

What brand are your pants right now?
           To be specific, they’re men’s boxers from American Eagle covered in mugs of beer.

Ever been to Georgia (the state)?
         Georgia? Really…?

Do you watch movies with your parents?
       I saw Juno with Dave, which was an awkward situation to say the least. Night at the Museum had a much pleasanter outcome.

What song best describes your life right now?
       I think the fact that I’m listening to “Love Shack” while drinking cheap Shiraz from a brandy snifter and filling out a survey on a blog entitled “Bear on a Unicycle” says it all.


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